I’ve never been a fan of timed writing prompts, but somehow this happened this past March. The following is a transcript of a Facebook conversation within my D&D group (formerly known as “The Orthodox Church of Tesalasism”). All of the posts occurred over the course of one hour.
DM: I’m working on a list of NPC’s that I can use for later games. Anybody have some suggestions? Looking for something not too bizarre (loxodon horizon walkers need not apply), but still with a unique quirk to set them apart (bandit chief that obsessively collects shoes or such).
Chris Mahon: A young, handsome man who plays harmonica with a dancing monkey. In reality, the harmonica music is a distraction so that a second monkey can pickpocket the listeners.
February 8 at 5:15pm
Chris Mahon: An old man who sells funnel cakes from a cart or a stand. He gives out fatherly advice to all who sit down to eat his funnel cakes, and tells stories about his son, who he hasn’t spoken to in years. In reality, he never had a son. His entire backstory is an elaborate personal fantasy.
February 8 at 5:18pm
Chris Mahon: A dashing young female rogue who has a terrible habit of falling off of buildings. She is now afraid of heights, and only robs people at street level.
February 8 at 5:18pm
Chris Mahon: An insane magician who walks around with a sack of potatoes. He hands them out to the beggars, who are grateful for the food. In reality, he is a master transmuter, and all of the potatoes turn into gold when cooked.
February 8 at 5:20pm
Chris Mahon: A blind tavernkeeper with preternatural hearing, able to hear all of the conversations in the bar, and hear anyone who pulls a knife.
February 8 at 5:21pm
Chris Mahon: An eight foot tall mercenary with sandy blonde hair and boyish charm. He has a wonderful singing voice, and wishes he were a sailor, but never learned to swim.
February 8 at 5:22pm
Chris Mahon: A necromancer who raises up dead cats and dogs on the street. He uses them to ferry messages to his other cabal members, and is known to have ears and eyes in every alley.
February 8 at 5:23pm
Chris Mahon: A skilled archer who has fallen from grace, traveled the world as a carnival performer, and now makes his living as an unhappy, drunken hitman. His accuracy never suffers from his inebriation.
February 8 at 5:26pm
Chris Mahon: A young bard searching for his long lost father, who went mad when he thought his son would never come from his travels. In reality, he is a demon whose sole pleasure derives from driving the funnel cake man insane.
February 8 at 5:27pm
Chris Mahon: A lowly rookie town guard who has been practicing every day to master his slingshot abilities. He is in love with the rogue with the fear of heights.
February 8 at 5:28pm
Chris Mahon: An old sailor who has finally ended his sailing days and decided that what he really wants is to be a professional boxer. He is too old to compete, but he does anyway, and gets the shit kicked out of him time and again, but it’s the only thing that makes him feel alive.
February 8 at 5:29pm
Chris Mahon: A beggar woman searching for the man who made her destitute by stealing her family fortune. All she knows is that he trains monkeys, and is the most soulful harmonica player she has ever heard. She will kill any harmonica player on sight.
February 8 at 6:14pm
Taco: A master magician who can’t stop jumping face first into walls no matter how many jump spells he uses.
February 8 at 5:34pm
Chris Mahon: A female sorcerer who runs a dance club and a drug-running operation. Anyone who crosses her has a fireball stuffed into their urethra. She enjoys hurting people, and spends all of her time in a sauna.
February 8 at 5:33pm
Chris Mahon: A group of six men who are prophets of a new saint. They silently hand out flyers and charms to anyone who will accept them, praising “Saint Olvidar.” Olvidar, they say, is the flesh incarnation of all the worlds pain and suffering. He takes all of it upon himself so that others can heal themselves by forgetting. Any supplicant can attend a ritual, and have memories wiped from their minds forever, transferred to Olvidar.
February 8 at 5:36pm
Chris Mahon: An old beggar who doesn’t know who he is, where he came from, or what he’s doing. He spends all of his time sitting at a fountain, crying silently. He is Saint Olvidar.
February 8 at 5:39pm
Taco: Jesus Christ Chris was this all on the spot?
February 8 at 5:41pm
Chris Mahon: A wizard who faked her own death four years ago, and has become a maker of porcelain vases and cups, weaving magic into her creations. She listens to the eight-foot-tall mercenary sing sometimes, and they have become good friends.
February 8 at 5:42pm
Chris Mahon: A young woman who sells necklaces and trinkets on the street. In reality, she takes the trinkets/jewelry off dead people. She’s afraid the town guard will figure out her scheme.
February 8 at 5:43pm
Chris Mahon: Two men in bandannas who rob people at night, then spend the money on nicer shoes and bandannas. They spend a lot of time in different bars, trying to get laid, but the have bad teeth.
February 8 at 5:45pm
Chris Mahon: A witch who can eat and drink almost indefinitely. She never gets full, and doesn’t know why. She has eaten almost every kind of cuisine, and has a vast knowledge of alcohol and exotic drinks. She is a legend in the taverns.
February 8 at 5:47pm
Chris Mahon: A drug smuggler who has crossed the sorcerer who runs the nightclub. He is addicted to his own product, and is now in a self-destructive spiral downward, trying to take the entire criminal underground down with him a bloody vendetta.
February 8 at 5:50pm
Chris Mahon: A cleric slowly losing his faith in his god. He is visited every Friday by a powerful demon, who challenges him to a game of cards. The cleric always loses, and finds himself deeper and deeper in debt to the demon. For some reason, the demon always has funnel cakes.
February 8 at 5:56pm
Chris Mahon: A silent assassin who wears a white mask all of the time. He plays with matches, and can be recognized by the smell of smoke on his clothes. In reality, his hit victims are the source of the young trinket-woman’s jewelry supply.
February 8 at 5:59pm
Chris Mahon: A carnival ringleader searching for the man who stole his trained pickpocket monkeys. All he knows is that the man is the most soulful harmonica player he has ever heard.
February 8 at 6:16pm
Chris Mahon: A former adventurer who spent all his time looting old ruins. His clothes his burned flesh and dozens of gashes from traps and enemies. His prize possession is a glass eye that lets him see through walls. He is known as “Dingy,” but no one knows why.
DM: I love you Chris Mahon.